An Open Letter To A Fanatic

Dear Matt,

You’re one of my best friends. We’ve known each other for about seventeen years. I don’t know how to say this, but I’m sorry. I’m very, very sorry. I think I might’ve screwed up your life.

You see, I was always a little bit more interested in video games than you and your other friends. I mean I had a Nintendo Power membership at the same time I was beginning to read books larger than “Clifford, The Big Red Dog.” I had BOTH Sega and Nintendo systems. You did not. You told me I was stupid to get a Nintendo 64, because the graphics on Donkey Kong Country 3 were better than Super Mario 64. I told you in return that I’d rather play as Mario than as a baby gorilla. Alas, you just shrugged me off.

When you bought Super Mario RPG, however, I couldn’t have know it was the beginning of the end. We would play it together frequently, and call each other on the phone to brag how far the other has progressed in the game. You were obsessed with the idea of such an epic story in a video game world. You had the strategy guide and would scan in pages, just to photoshop them. Remember that? In return, I bought my first scanner because I was jealous that I couldn’t do that at home (thanks for the push, by the way). You would think changing the colors of Mario’s skin was a work of art…

But then I told you, “If you like Super Mario RPG, you should check out Chrono Trigger. It’s one of the best games ever.” I’m not sure if I let you borrow my copy, or you sampled a bit of the game at my house, but… I had no idea… I just had no idea. I should’ve known it was going to be your gateway drug into the dark abyss.

What was I thinking? It’s always in a top ten video game list. If Super Mario RPG was your first RPG game, and then I introduce you immediately to one of the best RPGs ever? You never had a chance… I’m so sorry.

I hate myself.

Why did I ever answer you when you asked, “What other games are like Chrono Trigger?” What was I thinking? Why did I have to tell you about Squaresoft, Final Fantasy and.. My eyes are getting misty as I write this.

Final Fantasy has ruined the lives of many innocent people, but I thought you were stronger than that. You should’ve been. It’s just… Why did you have to get a Playstation? Why did your parents have to buy you incredibly shitty games such as Space Jam. It only made you even more consciously aware when you had a good game in your hands. So when you got Final Fantasy 7, there was no hope. We lost you. From inviting your friends over just to watch YOU play, to ignoring your little brother after he broke his toe because you were “busy.” You were only at Gold Saucer! There was a save point on the screen when it happened!

I don’t know how to respond when you tell me you’ve played the game more than FIFTEEN times in the past THIRTEEN years. Do the math, my friend! You’ve played the entire game, from start to finish, more than once a year since it has been released! The game is over, please come back to us!

But then your phone would ring Aerith’s theme every time that girl you liked called… Your cell phone’s screensaver was a very busty image of Tifa. Speaking of her, you always talk about how great it would be to find a girl that looked like her, talked like her, acted like her… You just want your own Tifa.

We go to bars very often, too. We’re often each other’s wingmen, and yet… Are you aware how you almost always find a way to end up talking about Final Fantasy? Why Cloud could possibly be the Hamlet of our time? The misunderstood and tortured hero…

It is fine to say those things with me, but not with strangers at bars or clubs. Do you know how hard it is to respond to girls who ask me if my friend has Asperger’s Syndrome?

Do you think… Is it possible that all of this helped create your yellow fever? Your extreme attraction to asian women? That you want to be japanese? Buddy, are you turning japanese? I don’t see you holding pocky in your hands all the time, so there’s hope yet.

I know you’re working hard to become a teacher, and your vision is to one day become a professor. But to have a class so that you and the students can analyze the importance of storytelling in video games, starting with Final Fantasy 7? There’s something off with that, my man.

What happened to your other hobbies? Didn’t you play Soccer when you were a kid? Didn’t you collect baseball cards before going on eBay to get copies of Final Fantasy to just store in your closet? Or re-buy a Playstation 1? Final Fantasy themed toys, artwork, books, CDs? Why is it necessary to buy a japanese playstation system to play a japanese copy of the game? You don’t know how to read Japanese. Sure, I understand importing other genres like fighting games. But, dude… Just…

It’s all my fault. I screwed up. Don’t get me wrong, I do really enjoy the occasional RPG, but there’s so much more out there! Strategy, First Person Shooters, Action-Adventure, Burgers, Mountain Climbing, Sunlight, NON ASIAN PORN!

Maybe I’m too late. I guess I’ve already accepted you for who you are. But I swear to God, if I hear you compare Cloud to Tidus one more fucking time, I’m going to call the insane asylum.

But I’ll accept one thing. If Tifa was real, she’d be amazing. So yes, I would want to hook up with her. But if she was real, neither of us would have a freaking chance. She’s a freedom fighter martial artist. She’s seen a lot more than we ever could. I draw children’s books and you life guard pools at the gym. No way in hell would it work out. I know you have some kind of debate in how it would work between you two, but that’s the point of this entire letter, isn’t it? Let her go, man. Let her go.

I’m here for you buddy, and also, trust me… You would look completely mental if you grew your hair and gelled it to look like Cloud. I think you were joking when you brought it up, but I can’t be too careful you know.

Once again, I’m sorry for doing all of this to you. I feel awful about it.

Sincerely,
Josh

PS. Please give me back my copy of the first Marvel Vs. Capcom. It’s been over a decade for god’s sake.

Author’s Note: All of what you read is either true or a minor embellishment from the truth. Please help my friend and any of your friends who obsess on JRPGs so much that it prevents them from truly living.