Ok, I know that I have a problem. I know that it’s irrational at best and insane at worst, but I just can’t hold it in any longer. I am terrified by the Kool-Aid Man, utterly and completely terrified.

Just look at him! This monster casually bursts through walls, causing untold amounts of property damage. Not content to stop there, he will chase down kids until they agree to drink his bodily fluids. Think about that for a second. That can’t be sanitary. His head is wide open. Every time that he bursts through a wall, chunks of building material must fall in there. Those kids aren’t just being forced to drink his blood, they are being forced to drink his abestos-tainted blood. Anyone else would be arrested and locked away for life, but we worship him. Kids have been taught to cheer when they see him.

You know what? My fear isn’t irrational, it’s logical. You should be afraid of him too. Using examples from Marvel’s Kool-Aid Man comic, I will attempt to convince you of his malevolence. Oh, yeah? Oh yeah.

This image alone should be enough to convince you of the Kool-Aid Man threat. They are in space. In space! How the hell can the Kool-Aid Man burst through the wall of their spaceship? How did he get up there? I guess that he doesn’t need to breathe.

I’m more confused about how his kool-aid isn’t floating away. Does his pitcher have its own gravitational field?

Oh, and by bursting through the hull of the ship, he has doomed everyone inside. Within seconds, they will all be sucked into the vacuum of space. Those poor kids, did the Kool-Aid man tell them that a bowl on their head would keep them safe? That bastard.

Look! He’s a sekret muslin!

Look, kid, you clearly have no grasp on economics. You can buy new gear. You’re going to have a harder time paying for the wall of that house.

.. If you survive!

… Is Ben Franklin coming on to the Kool-Aid Man? Normally, I would just shrug and assume that Ben is just really horny, but clearly the Kool-Aid Man is leading him on. I mean, something is clearly wrong here. Ben was notorious for his.. appetites.. but I still doubt that he’d be attracted to a giant talking pitcher of an unnaturally red liquid.

AHA! Clearly, the Kool-Aid Man has mind-control powers!

That still leaves one important question. How did the Kool-Aid Man travel back to the eighteenth century?

Oh. Of course. He has a time machine. He has a time machine and has used it to drag those kidnapped children back to the revolutionary war. He has taken them where they cannot be rescued. I shudder at the thought of what will come next.

Oh, and I assumed that he was enemies with those yellow monsters, the Thirsties, but they kind of look like they are coming out of the time machine with him. I’m beginning to think that they are in league, involved in some sort of complicated plot to steal children and “quench their thirst.”

Clearly, we are all doomed.