It should be all right, guys, it should be safe. It has been a few months since I last subjected myself to the insanity of the Japanese video game store. I’ve played several rounds of Princess Maker, I’ve been to a therapist. I should have recovered by now.

Yet, I haven’t. I still have nightmares about the Cho Aniki brothers riding Thomas the Tank Engine. As my father always told me, “私私はあなたの脳をかむ前に、別のビール� �入手”

Wait. That isn’t right, let’s try again. As my father always told me, “Son, you have to face your fears.” So, face them I will. I will once again dive head first into the insanity that is Japanese box art.

What? Michael Bay made a new movie? When did that happen? Seriously, this game is either the coolest thing ever or the most retarded. I just can’t decide. I mean, look at it! The bus is about to slam right into that car. To top it all off, there was just an explosion! Or is the bus exploding? Is the bus being propelled by the explosion? Is the explosion even related? I’m not even going to comment on the fact that their wheels aren’t pointing in the direction they are clearly traveling.

Hold on, I just noticed that no one is driving those vehicles. How are they even moving? Are these intelligent cars competing to be the “Clash King?” I can tell you right now that the bus is going to win. That little sports car isn’t going to clash with anything.

Anyone that has spent a significant amount of time reading online message boards (read: me) has heard of a little thing called the Madden curse. As the legend goes, the player that appears on the cover of a Madden game is doomed to fall victim to some sort of horrible injury.

I just have to applaud and compliment Konami. They weren’t content with cursing a single player, they were nice enough to doom what appears to be every Japanese footballsoccer player. That’s the spirit! Teamwork above all!

I think I already bought this game a couple of times.

This is Animal Crossing, right?

For the PS3? Wow, I guess those “Nintendo going third party” rumors were true after all.

Dream Club, eh? Well, as long as your dreams don’t involve a girl over the age of eighteen or with a hair color that exists in nature.

Hey, at least they have all of your fetishesdreams covered. I mean, there are 1.. 2.. Ok, all of them are moe, so your lolita fetish is covered. They also have “girl that looks like a boy,” “nerdy girl in glasses,” and “confident buxom American blonde.” They even have “pale girl with an eyepatch” for those extra-picky members of the audience.

Jesus, her eyepatch even has lace on it.

… Seriously?

I’m not completely sure what is going on with either cover for this game. I’m also not sure that, whatever is going on, it is legal in my country.

I also have no idea what “6NR” means, but I am pretty sure that it will leave a few permanent “memories.”

“Lieutenant, what the fuck is going on here?”
“Don’t worry, Agent Smith, I’ve got the situation under control. Put your gun down.”
“Look, I know that you’re new at this job, but I just asked you to secure the crime scene.”
“It is secure, sir.”
“I can see that. Did you have to use the entire goddamn roll of crime scene tape?”

Look, I get what they are going for. This is some sort of serious crime drama. These are serious people. They have all of the ingredients - a panicking writer (trust me, he’s a writer), a super-professional government agent, the eternally-cool smoking dude. I just find it a little difficult to take them seriously when 9/10ths of the cover is covered in crime-scene tape with the name of the game plastered on it.

You know what else makes it difficult to take this seriously?

What the hell, Japan? What the hell?

Come on people, leave this woman alone. She has clearly gone through something dramatic. She’s covered in dirt, her nose is broken, and she’s wearing a helmet. Now, you’re pelting her with questions? Literal questions, with text floating in the air and everything?

Don’t get me wrong, I have questions too - “What the hell is going on here?” being chief among them; but, my questions can wait until she has cleaned up a little.

Of course, the title of this game is 72, which leads me to believe that it is some sort of 24 spinoff. So, following that train of thought, those questions are probably being vomited at her by an irate Jack Bauer. Hey, 72 is three times 24. Jack Bauer has had a whole forty-eight hours to learn Japanese.

Nurture garment celebration? Yeah, I’m sure that isn’t a euphemism for anything.

That green-haired guy is totally about to nurture some garments, if you know what I mean.

Also, I’m pretty sure that the girl in the cat hat isn’t even wearing any undergarments.

Dude, I agree, that soup looks awful. That probably isn’t worth killing yourself over.

Ok, you also have a deformed chin, it look like your house is about to sink under the ocean, and Professor Layton is pointing and laughing at you. Sir, your life sucks.

This? This box is the very definition of totally fucking rad.