You know, video game boxart in the United States is kind of boring. Sure, some of it looks awesome, but the general gist of it is that you slap the main character somewhere near the center and call it a day. Nothing crazy, just plain simple brand recognition. This is, of course, in opposition to the Japanese style of complete insanity.

Armed with a five-year-old’s knowledge of the Japanese language, I’m going to dive headfirst into the world of Japanese cover art. I’ve picked ten games whose cover art was released recently, and I’m going to try to figure out what the hell is going on based on a single picture.

Lost in translation? Hell, I’m lost before the translation.

Ah, Cho Aniki, everyone’s favorite homoerotic shooter. In the latest installment, the beautiful “brothers” are joined by a couple of extra nude muscle men, a green dude who swiped his hat from Dr. Seuss, and Thomas the Tank Engine.

Why are the brothers crying? Probably because they have no idea what is going on around them. They just woke up one day, put on their banana hammocks, and went out to lift some weights or something. Suddenly, some well-oiled dude is tossing steam engines at them while another guy rides the moon. If that wasn’t frightening enough, check out those teeth on the alien man. I mean, I can’t really blame the brothers. I wanted to cry when I tried to figure out what this game was about.

Why is Thomas so distraught? You would be too if you had one of those Cho Aniki “weapons” fired at you.

Ah yes, now that koala bears have been awarded equal rights, they can finally play on professional sports teams. At first it was just one or two, desegregation takes time. Eventually it got to the point where The Dragons were fielding nothing except koala bears. After all, if anything, koalas are known for their baseball prowess (oh, and maiming unsuspecting Australian tourists).

What better way to celebrate their sports success than giving them their own Wii game?

Wait…

What the fuck is this?

Nintendo has trained your brain, honed your fitness skills, taught you math, and made you a better cook. They have even built up your common sense. What’s next for the DS training series?

Teaching you how to become a superhero, of course!

Move over Professor Kawashima, a scantly-clad fish woman and two guys with pink domes on their heads have arrived to share all of the tips required for superhero success. Enjoy over one-hundred lessons on topic ranging from costume advice, self-defense, and proper crotch protection. Soon, you’ll be well on your way to superpowered stardom!

Why let Pokemon have all of the success? The Prince of Tennis series has learned a lesson or two from the masters of the monster-collecting genre. In the latest Prince of Tennis, you’ll have to catch all of the kids and force them to compete in vicious unauthorized tennis matches. Of course, you’ll need both games to collect them all.

Don’t forget your link cable!

Also, take a look at those titles. That’s some forceful advice. Girls, you’d better be gracious! What if a girl wants to be glorious?

The text on this game’s cover art is in English and I still have no idea what is going on. Why is there a semicolon in the title? There isn’t a complete sentence on the left or right side! In fact, those three words make absolutely no sense in combination. What, precisely, is a “head noah?” Is it the Noah in charge of all other Noahs? If you are God, and the delusion becomes reality, about what kind of the noads you get?

Wait, what? What does that even mean? Destructive sanctions?

I give up.

I don’t know about you guys, but I like to get to know girlfriends before I marry them.

I mean, blind dating is one thing, but this is kind of extreme.

Ok, that’s just not fair. Seriously. That is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, and I spend a significant portion of each day looking at pictures of cats on the internet.

When the financial district of Tokyo is threatened, who will rescue the hapless citizens? Only these two, a middle-aged stock broker and a young street-smart punk, can save the day. They come from two different worlds, two different backgrounds, but they must put aside their differences if they wish to succeed.

it will be a long, difficult journey full of training montages and explosions, but together, they will learn a valuable lesson or two about life in today’s fast-paced world.

Alright, nothing crazy going on here. This is just an example of Japan getting awesome box art. Seriously, this is one of the most beautiful covers that I’ve ever seen. Given Nintendo’s recent publishing track record, I’d be amazed if Another Code/Trace Memory R even makes it out here, but I’d kill for that cover art if it does.

I’m not even sure that I want to know at this point. If I had to make a guess, I’d say this is the reverse of Who Framed Roger Rabbit. This visibly shaken Japanese man is stuck in a cartoon world. The residents of this land are completely oblivious to his plight, and he has no idea how to escape. This poor man is at his wit’s end, and he’s totally about to start stabbing these cartoon kids.