A lot of reviewers tend to focus on the negative and look for flaws when reviewing albums, movies, and video games. That’s part of their job. And since it’s their job, reviewing can get a little tedious at times and therefore things that might not be as annoying to some people will be more annoying to reviewers.

After having a good night’s sleep and a full day to think about it, here are my top ten valid complaints about Too Human, minus a few because I forgot them (dreams are weird like that – one minute you’re about to open a birthday gift and the next thing you know, zombies are chasing you).

Keep in mind that I still dig this game, but really wish the developers would have consulted with me because these ideas would have made the game the best game ever. Next time, Silicon Knights, call me!

All audible language in the game should have been in the Norse language of the original mythology

People on staff at Silicon Knights studied up on not only the mythology, but the language. Why not represent that in the game? Having the actors speak in another language would have made things harder to understand, but it sure would have sounded cool. Oh, and no subtitles. If gamers don’t want to learn about stuff and be stupid for the rest of their lives, well, too bad for them.

Baldur should have a Viking helmet, and be played by the Techno Viking

Because in between smashing the shit out of robot goblins, what else is there to do other than dancing to techno music in the streets? Also, Baldur is a god among men, much like Techno Viking is. Call that dude up for the sequel and you’re set.

When the Valkyrie comes to take your dead body away, the music should have been Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkryies”

Bonus points if the song is actually a recording obviously done by and old man with a kazoo. At some point during this recording, he should have coughed. And that death sequence takes a whole 30-40 seconds. Man, that’s a lot of time! Why didn’t you guys just make the level reload in that time and show us a static loading screen with a progress bar. No one ever complains about that in other games, which brings me to my next completely valid complaint:

The game needs loading screens

Gamers don’t care that you have cleverly used in-game engine cinematics to advance the story while buffering the next level in the background and therefore eliminating loading screens altogether (unless the user opts to skip the cutscene). Gamers don’t care about stories, they just want to see things get blown the fuck up, and if they’d rather watch a loading screen in between levels than sit through story parts.

Despite being based on Norse mythology, no mention of Death Black Metal to be found

Seriously! Not to spoil the game for you, but at no point does Baldur kill a teammate and eat his brain just because that teammate was wearing a white sweater.

Infantry team members don’t really do anything in battle but banter

They should have been replaced by members of Dethklok! This would even rectify the previous gripe I have with the game.

Toki: Seriouslys, guys, are wes goings to be killed!?

Nathan Explosion: No human has EVER made it back from this far out. EVER. BRUTAL.

Skwisgaar: Okays dildos. This is a complete and totals, you know, sausage festival. And these monsters? I think I ****ed all their mothers and that’s whys they’res angries at us.

Murderface: Monsters tell their kids stories of how fat I am to scare them!

Pickles: Hey douchebags, where are all the Rock ‘n’ Roll French Fries?