I watch a lot of really bad movies. When some people say that, they mean that they accidentally go see craptacular movies, or that they occasionally enjoy a Zombie movie. When I say that, I mean that I’m a professional at watching absolutely horrible movies. I devise entire drinking games around bad horror movies. When I upgraded to digital cable, I was thrilled to discover that I can watch awful movies on the free “On Demand” service. Hell, I shudder to think about what the staff at Netflix thinks about my rental history (Diary of the Dead and.. children’s television?).

Thus, I’ve decided to share some of these cinema delights with you on what will surely become a completely irregular basis. Lucky you! Tonight’s treat? The masterpiece known as Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter.

No, you didn’t misread that. The son of God has returned. It isn’t quite time for the Rapture yet. First, Jesus must save the lesbians of Ottawa, Canada from a deadly vampire epidemic. No, you didn’t misread that one either. Jesus must SAVE CANADA’S LESBIANS. It only gets weirder from there.

This won’t be an easy job for Jesus. His welcoming party (including a priest with a spiked mohawk) is slaughtered by the undead and he’s being assaulted on all sides. To make matters worse, the vampires can now walk in the sunlight (I suspect this is mostly to allow the filmmakers to shoot during the day). Luckily, he has allies in this fight. Mary Magnum, a lesbian with fashion advice and mad massage skills, and El Santos, the world-famous Mexican wrestler, arrive to help Jesus fight the vampires.

Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter contains one of the greatest scenes ever featured in any film – the atheist attack! A well-dressed couple exit their Jeep and declare their intention to kick Jesus’ ass.

“Hey Jesus, we’re taking your second-coming ass down. Consider this the thirteenth station of the cross.”
“Let’s get on with the conversions.”


Suddenly, about half a dozen people come pouring out of the Jeep and proceed to attack Jesus. He takes them down pretty easily with his kung-fu skills. They aren’t done just yet. By the time the scene is over, no less than thirty seven atheists have come flying out of that magical Jeep. Yup, bet you didn’t know that you could fit nearly forty atheists in a single Jeep.

Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter is a B-movie that revels in being a B-movie. As soon as the (actually) terrifying narrator comes out, you know that this is not going to be a serious movie. It’s a horrible movie with horrible acting. It lacks anything even resembling real production values. These guys aren’t out to win an Oscar. Instead, they decided to make the most ludicrous movie that they could possibly make. I mean, this is a movie where Jesus and a Mexican wrestler fight Canadian vampires. Every so often, a spinning cross comes on the screen and a voice shouts “Jesus!” (much like the 60s Batman TV series). The soundtrack even includes a song about how Jesus is here and we’re all going to get laid.

How could you not love this movie?

The Three Rules
1: “The Jesus Commercial Break” (spinning cross)
2: A vampire bites someone’s neck (a classic, it works well in this movie)
3: Something happens that makes utterly no sense (this one is a little subjective, but you will end up drinking).

Bad movies and alcohol go together like peanut butter and jelly. Every time any of these three rules are fulfilled, take a drink. If you’re underage, drink some coke or something. Don’t drink and drive (etc.).

Buy a copy!
Official Website