There is a lot of shovelware on the Wii, a whole lot. There’s nothing we can do about it. It’s what you get for being the top dog. Everyone wants a piece of that money-pie (mmm, pies made of money). It’s sad, but it’s a fact of life. How does all of this relate to Dream Pinball 3D? Come on, do I have to spell it out? Dream Pinball 3D is an example of shovelware so egregious that the developers should be ashamed.

I first noticed that something was amiss when I read the selling points on the included fact sheet. PR guys, you should probably stop trying to market a game when you have to resort to advertising the fact that each level has different music. This is something that we’ve expected out of games since the eighties. Think about it, when was the last time that you played a game with less than six pieces of music?

Things don’t improve much when you put the disc in. You’re immediately greeted by a menu screen that appears to have been thrown together in about an hour by an intern. These menus are also the only place where the developers even attempted to use the motion features of the Wii Remote. I say “tried” because the pointer controls don’t work overwhelmingly well. The sensitivity is so high that it’s difficult to even make a menu selection. Once you get past the amateur interface, the graphics are kind of pretty. This is only half of a compliment, it would probably take more effort on the developer’s part to make a pinball game look ugly.

At least the pinball is good, right? Not so fast, young grasshopper. Dream Pinball 3D is content to settle for “adequate” on the pinball game scale. I admit, the last pinball game that I put any significant amount of time into was Pokemon Pinball on the Game Boy Color, but I still think that qualifies me to judge a pinball title. I guess that the flippers work and the ball bounces around fairly accurately. I kind of wish that the six tables were a little different. As it stands, they are all pretty much the exact same table with a different paintjob. The package promised six different types of balls, each with their own “ballistics.” As far as I can tell, they weren’t lying. The gold ball is a little slower than the basic one. I guess that’s worth something.

Yet, Dream Pinball 3D was intriguing enough to keep me playing for awhile. What could possibly be interesting enough to get me to play the game any longer than necessary? As it turns out, Dream Pinball 3D has a sinister secret. Alright, sinister may be taking it a bit far; weird may be a better term. As you’d probably expect, each of the six tables has a different theme. Naturally, I went straight for the dinosaur one (dinosaurs and I have a bit of a history together). All was well and good, there were dinosaurs glued to the pinball table, they made growling noises. As I played, I noticed that the narration was far more epic than I expected (I actually think they stole the narrator from Puzzle Quest). A little weird, but I kept playing. Suddenly, Admiral Ackbar (disguised as a generic disembodied teenager voice) pops in to inform me that “It’s a trap!” At this point, I’m pretty sure that the disembodied voice was referring to the game itself.

It only gets weirder from there. The most frightening game of pinball award goes to the aquatic level. The aforementioned epic narrator has been replaced with the most erotic pinball narrator that I’ve ever heard. Seriously, she was uttering some pretty awkward comments about my balls. All of a sudden, another voice tells me to “swim for my life.” Strange cat-like screeching followed. I can only assume that the previously sensual narrator has turned into some sort of horrific monster. Yes, Dream Pinball 3D may be the first horror pinball title.

Disturbing as it may be, Dream Pinball 3D isn’t even worth a rental unless you’re some sort of diehard pinball fan. Even if you are, why the hell would you pay for this? There are better free pinball games out there (some of which, I’m sure, can be played in the Wii web browser). Even at a budget price, Dream Pinball feels like a ripoff. The interface is amatuer-ish. There are only six tables, and they’re basically identical (and identically bad). The themes are wacky, but they don’t justify the $20 price tag. I can’t even recommend it to those desperate for a Wii pinball game. The Williams Collection that was recently released seems far better than this piece of shovelware.

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