PEW PEW PEW. Oh wait, sorry. I’m totally paying attention to you. Seriously, I PEW PEW PEW. Give me a second, I’ll get right on this review. PEW PEW – Five minutes. You already know about this PEW. This game. You already know about this game. Five minutes, cool? PEW PEW PEW PEW. Ok, fine. Quit staring at me. I’ll tell you all about Geometry Wars Galaxies.

Geometry Wars Galaxies is a full retail release based on the successful Xbox Live Arcade Game. I suppose I should actually say that it’s loosely based on the game. Make no mistake, this is not a forty dollar repackaging of a five dollar downloadable game. Not at all. Kuju took Bizarre’s retro-meets-HD concept and ran with it. They took a minor, if awesome, distraction and built it into something with a fair amount of meat. Like a gourmet steak dinner, this is actually a game that you’ll spend some time with.

As you might guess from the original’s moniker, Retro Evolved, the Geometry Wars franchise is elegant in its simplicity. It’s a familiar premise to any gamer worth their salt. Blast the hell out of your opponents and rack up the highest score. Like the arcade giants that it pays homage to, it gets hard quickly. Easy to learn, difficult to master. That old phrase describes Geometry Wars to a tee. Geometry Wars Galaxies is a lengthy love note to the grand old days of gaming. They even threw in online leaderboards. Sure, it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it goes right along with the throwback theme. In the old days, kids would crowd around the monolithic arcade machines. Whoever got their initials at the top of the list achieved minor stardom. Galaxies is also right at home on Nintendo’s systems. Sure, this isn’t exactly Brain Age, but Nintendo’s goal — simpler games for a wider audience — plays well with retro games and retro gameplay.

Bizarre brought the retro concept into the modern day with a heavy coat of shiny audiovisual paint. The visual style is an exercise in artistic minimalism worthy of the game’s austere concept. A monochromatic grid serves as the backdrop for a bunch of different geometrical shapes — the basis for the titular Wars. Sounds kind of retro, right? The developers then gave it the kind of makeover that could transform a washed-up celebrity into the teenage pop queen. Glowing effects, Phong Shading, the whole nine yards. The catchy techno soundtrack goes right along with the neon-tinted graphical stylings. The music works well with the frantic shooting action. I would have liked more variety, but you’ll be more focused on the on-screen battle anyway.

Fans of the franchise were worried that Galaxies would be a rip-off. How do you sell something like Retro Evolved as a disc-based retail release? The answer is that you take the XBLA hit and make it one level out of dozens. Geometry Wars Galaxies is literally dozens of times the size of Retro Evolved. Kuju didn’t just paste in the same level over and over again. That would have been the easy thing to do. In fact, they might have even gotten away with that. Some fans are devoted enough that it would have been fine. Instead, each level is remarkably different. The fundamental concept at the heart of Geometry Wars remains the same – blast your flying foes and avoid getting fried. The layout and strategies that will lead to your angular ascendancy change every time. For example, one level has robots that leave a string of bombs as they move. Your lasers do nothing against either the bots or the bombs. Effectively, you’re trapped in between two mobile fences.

Sadly, Geometry Wars Galaxies does have control issues. The very game was designed for two analog sticks, mirroring the two joystick setups of older arcade titles. What does the Wii controller not have? Yep, you guessed it. The classic controller is supported, and it does have two analog sticks. After my initial experimentation with the remote and nunchuck setup, I switched right over to it. This was fine for awhile, until I got frustrated. The classic controller has absolutely horrific analog sticks — mushy and loose. It sounds kind of hypocritical, as I sang the praises of the pad after the launch last year. It’s a comfortable controller, and it is fantastic for old Virtual Console titles, but it just has some of the worst analog sticks I’ve ever used. There’s absolutely no excuse for the shoddy quality when comparing with the nunchuck’s analog stick or the 360 controller.

I decided to give the nunchuck controls another go. Once I got used to it, there was no turning back. It does take some work — something that shouldn’t be necessary in a game founded on minimalism — but in this default control setup, you move with the nunchuck’s analog stick and aim your laser reticle with the Wii remote. Theoretically, your laser will fire in the direction you have the front of the controller pointed to; in practice, it’s really easy to screw this up. You need small, precise rotations of the Wii remote. Once you get used to it, the nunchuck controls become second nature. Still, that initial learning curve will kill it for some people. It’s a shame that a game with such an intuitive concept doesn’t have intuitive controls.

To add an extra layer of strategy and, I suspect, to give you a helping hand while you adapt to the controls, Galaxies gives you a helper drone. The drone isn’t all that useful at first, but it grows over time as you complete levels. You can use geoms — little blobs left behind by fallen foes — to purchase new behavior modules for the helper. The basic behavior is attack. Other behaviors make your bot do things like act as bait or collect geoms for you. Geoms are your basic currency. They not only let you purchase AI behaviors, they are also your ticket to unlocking new worlds and galaxies.

Going with my earlier metaphor, Retro Evolved was the cube steak to Galaxies’ fillet mignon. Both are tasty, but only one will stay with you. Trust me, Geometry Wars Galaxies will stay with you. Once you get used to the controls, it becomes shooting nirvana. The genre isn’t exactly crowded on the Wii, or even crowded in general these days. As such, Galaxies should be an obvious choice for any fan of retro arcade shooters. If you grew up in the hazy arcades of the eighties, this game will be a wonderful throwback to your youth. Just don’t let it take over your life.

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What about the DS?

Nintendo’s ubiquitous little handheld also got some geometric love from Kuju. Gamers who own both platforms probably want to know which version to get. We’re not going to tell you. No, really, we’re not. Both versions are pretty awesome, so it essentially comes down to personal preference. We will still outline a few differences, though, so you can decide which version to get.

Our review of the Wii version is largely applicable to the DS game. You still blast the crap out of space shapes and get blasted back at in turn. The DS version contains each and every level from the Wii game. For the most part, they are carbon copies. A few seem slightly altered for the handheld. The graphics have obviously been toned down. The DS can’t pull off the same snazzy effects as the Wii. It’s not exactly a big deal, as the minimalistic art style still looks fine on the DS screen. We just lose the ripples and many of the lighting effects.

The controls are obviously different. The DS emulates the dual-analog setup by letting you move with the d-pad and shoot by sliding your stylus around the touch screen. A d-pad really isn’t a substitute for an actual analog stick. It works fairly well, but you’ll get some nasty hand cramps if you play for too long. If you still have the wrist strap from the fat DS, dig it out. The analog nub takes care of the “claw” effect. To compensate for the control differences, the portable version of Galaxies is a slightly slower experience. It still gets pretty intense, but this version is far more forgiving. I was a little surprised by my score differences between the DS and Wii levels. I could ace levels on the DS where I barely pulled off a bronze medal on the Wii.

If you’re craving a good handheld shooter, you can’t go wrong here. Geometry Wars is the very epitome of the “pick up and play” experience. You can play a level while sitting on the bus or before you fall asleep. Which version should you pick up? It mostly comes down to a single question: Do you want it on the go? Even that question doesn’t quite solve the problem. The Wii version lets you download the original Retro Evolved to the DS. Ultimately, we come down slightly in favor of the Wii version. The faster, frantic style of the console big brother is a little more fun. If you still want it on the DS, you can download it from the Wii.

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