by Eric Caoili - 09.06.06

Like many other young professionals, I can count the amount of hours a week I have for gaming on one hand. In between working two jobs, entertaining a significant other, and trolling video game message boards, there isn’t much time to spend on 40+ hour RPGs.
My gaming has been limited to ten-minute, portable bursts. Like a young boy slowly collecting skee ball tickets until he finally has enough to exchange for a prize, I cobble together dozens of these sessions and somehow manage to finish a game, eventually.
It was only natural that I’d turn to a GameFAQs walkthrough when I started playing Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow. Little did I know that it would lead to my doom! (not really)

Though I am loathed to admit it, GameFAQs has been a blessing. I don’t have time to fight a boss four times so I can learn how to dodge his attack pattern. It’s late in the evening, and I have deadlines to meet! Two hours of trying to figure out what special item I need to access new parts of the map? Naw man, I gotta get paid.
I usually print out these guides so that I won’t need to be tethered to a computer when I find time to play. It’s a convenient practice, but I have a tendency to jumble or even lose the pages sometimes. Staples and paperclips, though useful, never seem to be available when I print out these walkthroughs.
So that’s how a few pages of my Dawn of Sorrow guide were mixed in with the forms I’d dropped off at my mother’s office. When I came by the next day to pick up the signed forms, she was noticeably quiet.
It wasn’t until when I got home that I noticed my mom had returned the missing Castlevania tips. She had even scribbled a note on the guide after having read a few paragraphs. I’ve transcribed her words to make it more legible for you, but I left my mother’s old-asian-lady grammar intact.












Is a Jack Thompson joke here too lame and expected?
Bryce - 09.06.06 12:59 am
BAHAHAHAHA you scared your mom into thinking you are going to go on an evil killing rampage!
How cute of her!
Dan - 09.06.06 1:04 am
Do NOT hunt and kill your bosses Eric!
NoBullet - 09.06.06 1:07 am
Well, you still haven’t answered your mother’s question…
Justinian - 09.06.06 1:08 am
There are no words for how righteously awesome that note is. NO WORDS AT ALL.
Pikachelsea - 09.06.06 1:16 am
:? my writing is exactly like that…at 16 years old o.O i wonder how it would be at 30 o.O”
Patrick - 09.06.06 1:16 am
I hereby nominate “All it talk about is killing and hunting someone” as the new “All your base are belong to us.”
Andrew Wyatt - 09.06.06 1:19 am
Snicker. So your mom’s your boss? I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Especially after that fiasco. I’m curious as to how the aftermath of all that turned out, though!
I wonder if she knew what it was for, too. It certainly seems more amusing if you assume she knew (and simply acted like she didn’t).
nftyw - 09.06.06 1:21 am
Don’t forget to kneel at the base of the cliff for a few minutes! Bonus points for dust! Moop!
Disco - 09.06.06 1:37 am
Dude. AWESOME.
I should do that sometime, when I have a job that requires paperwork. I salute you in scaring the crap out of your mum, albeit, accidentally.
Kristofor - 09.06.06 1:42 am
About your “news get!”, if you want better screens of Luminous Ark you should go here:
http://snipurl.com/vzoe
NPC - 09.06.06 1:55 am
lol, eric, you so fuuuuuuuuhnny
shiftup - 09.06.06 2:03 am
ROFL! wow thats great. And I love how you didn’t mention anything about explaining it to your mom later. LOL
Bull True - 09.06.06 2:49 am
Me love this post long time.
KiddKalen - 09.06.06 3:00 am
BTW, me already DID act up on all this horrible things you read, and let tell you me. It not so bad. It actually… ‘Ah-so’-so.
KiddKalen - 09.06.06 3:05 am
ROFL dude!! Classic.
octorok - 09.06.06 3:26 am
Oh wow! That is freaking hilarious!! I think I just peed my pants.
All it talk about is killing and hunting someone!
Nick - 09.06.06 3:30 am
Eric Caoili is the best writer on 4cr! Very entertaining. Keep it up, Eric.
rdkenshin - 09.06.06 4:33 am
awesome!
TakaM - 09.06.06 5:37 am
Feh. In ARIA of Sorrow, even KNOWING the patterns, some of these bosses cream me a couple times.
If your mom gives you any more lip, just attack her weak point for massive damage. Then jump on her repeatedly for 99 lives.
w0rf - 09.06.06 7:17 am
nftyw: I’m a Marketing/Advertising guy, while my mother works in the medical field. The forms were for something non-work related.
Bull True: I never brought it up with her, actually.
Our family dinners have been awkward because of it lately, uncomfortably quiet except for the clatter of our silverware against the plates. We avoid each other’s eyes, and glance out the window whenever we see the headlights of a passing car, the ghosts of a family that once was.
Eric Caoili - 09.06.06 8:08 am
Hahahaha….oh man, that’s priceless.
robotplague - 09.06.06 8:17 am
Hehe, that’s awesome. Tell your mom she has really cool handwriting, too!
I use game guides from time to time, but I try to use them as little as possible…the problem is, once you take *one* look, you take a second…then a third…etc. It’s a downward spiral!
N Rumas - 09.06.06 9:00 am
your mother (and the rest of your family for taking to heart the whole “fighting one of the dark lord’s candidates” thing)is completely edit: wonderful, but you already know that don’t you?
ryro - 09.06.06 9:44 am
That’s hilarious! Without a doubt one of the most entertaining video-games-meet-real-life stories EVAR. Nice job.
John B - 09.06.06 9:47 am
FLIP HER OVER FOR MASSIVE DAMAGE!
"Metang;)" "GF " - 09.06.06 10:03 am
HAHAHAHHAHA incredible…
jeffx - 09.06.06 10:15 am
RYRO,
Not cool for being mean to someones mom. I think it’s a little disturbing we’re all being entertained by this guys’ mom’s misunderstanding.
Ryan - 09.06.06 11:10 am
“BAHAHAHAHA you scared your mom into thinking you are going to go on an evil killing rampage!
How cute of her! ”
-DAN
Quote of the day.
Joey_v - 09.06.06 11:32 am
Hahaha game misunderstandings are great…like that one time when Resident Evil 3 Nemesis came out and I was playing in my room getting hit by 2 Hunters (one on each side) and I yelled “PLEASE STOP GANG BANGING ME!” as my dad passed my door hahaha. I really don’t think my parents would be surprised to read something like that, but they’d know it’s from a game. Your mom owns Eric.
Mark - 09.06.06 12:10 pm
Why do you play games? You could save more time by just watching endings on youtube or even speedruns.
lars - 09.06.06 12:31 pm
I want a follow up.
Sideath - 09.06.06 1:18 pm
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!! This is freakin’ awesome.
BreakfastPills - 09.06.06 1:46 pm
AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAH
Stories like this are why I read 4 Color Rebellion.
I can get video game news from every site, but this site is where I can read about gamERS.
Namssorg - 09.06.06 2:50 pm
PS… go give your mom a hug, she cares about you.
Namssorg - 09.06.06 2:51 pm
Hey RYAN, his mother thinks he’s going to go and murder the dark lord, and that the outcome of this battle that he’s ACTUALLY GOING TO HAVE will depend on the kind of souls he has in his possession. She may also be worried that the darklord’s “defualt attackis hard to dodge”. Either way his mother IS edit: wonderful. The rest of the family, for thinking any of this is actually real, is also edit: wonderful.
Lord knows what would happen if he left a game faq for Super Mario 1 lying around. “Son, I’m concerned about all these hallucinogenic mushrooms you’re taking… growing to twice your normal size worries me, and I don’t know what to think about you ’stomping’ on these goombas or whatever they’re called.” Seriously, was she raised during the Salem witch trials or something?
ryro - 09.06.06 3:14 pm
That’s gotta be the funniest thing I’ve heard in a while!
Good luck in the Dark Chapel by the way.
urabob - 09.06.06 3:36 pm
Hey Patrick, my writing is just as hers too, and Im 17 (although I started writing like that at 15ys old)
The article was hilarius!
Artefacto - 09.06.06 4:10 pm
Fantastic! Kind of reminds me when I left a message on my friends answering machine of a narrative from Diable (when you read the books on pedestals in the first few levels). His mom heard it first and freaked out about it until he explained what it was
Though… I really hope that you don’t use gameFAQs for EVERY game. Work is important… but playing games using FAQs is just a waste of time.
Joey - 09.06.06 4:10 pm
Wow, that’s too funny
Gamefaqs is a lifesaver for me too…especially with Dragon Quest VIII. I don’t have the time to power level too often, so I use the Alchemy Pot recipes for better weapons, it helps a lot.
videogamer3586 - 09.06.06 4:25 pm
Hahaha great stuff. Gave me my daily giggle!
web design uk - 09.06.06 4:31 pm
Start with Mom.
chornbe - 09.06.06 5:07 pm
I know it is funny and all but I applaud Mom for at least getting involved and caring enough about her son that she stepped in. Get mom flowers and let her know you scratched her off your hit list.
Steve (HardOCP) - 09.06.06 5:49 pm
Please tell me you are kidding. Is your mother really that stupid?
Your Mom - 09.06.06 6:06 pm
I have to agree with YOUR MOM. This had to be the STUPIDEST woman in the world.
I mean, most people who go on killing sprees do NOT make a list of who to kill and when to do it. Why would she think you were doing that?
Seems like a terminally braindead or ignorant mother.
Christopher - 09.06.06 6:22 pm
you can edit the old comments all you want. You make a post like that and expect people to not point out the sheer idiocy of this? Your mother is one of those people who must be Jack Thompson’s next of kin. It’s gotta suck to know that your mother is one of those “WONDERFUL” people who think everyone who plays a videogame is a serial killer waiting to emerge. The only reason she hasn’t locked you in the house, taken away your games (what are you 13 or something?), and homeschooled you is because she’s deathly afraid of pissing you off. I mean, it’s not like the gamefaq was all cryptic and could easily or understandably be misconstrued as a columbine waiting to happen; it’s freaking PLAIN AS DAY.
And those newly quiet and silent family dinners… they’re only waiting for you to speak first ’cause they’re afraid. Tell them if they don’t stop being “WONDERFUL” you’re going to steal their souls and use them along with your Damascus blade to rid the world of the evil Dracula once and for all.
ryro - 09.06.06 6:53 pm
Calm down Ryro. She apparently just misunderstood it or something. She’s not the next Jack Thompson.
Eric, that was great. This is what I love about 4cr. No other gaming blog would post this great stuff.
Reid - 09.06.06 7:03 pm
lol now you can play on her mind untill she thinks your a compleate psyco “hey mum i managed to kill such and such least night” or “dam i need new weapons the ones i have are just not powerfull enough to kill”
then ask her for a loan
drew - 09.06.06 7:17 pm
Reminds me of the time my mom found a Suicidal Tendencies cassette (remember cassettes?) in my room and freaked out. Dead Kennedys didn’t help much either, until she listened to them.
Ah parents.
Chris - 09.06.06 7:23 pm
Your mom misunderstood. I think the note is great. It shows she cares. Ignore the rest of these jerks who are saying she’s stupid. They obviously aren’t parents themselves and have never had parents who care about them or what they do.
Explain it to her then give here a hug and thank her for caring.
NtroP - 09.06.06 9:22 pm
got my grandparent reading a werewold rule guide in my living room two days after a “rpg ritual killing” got to national TV.
duh - 09.06.06 10:32 pm
ryro, don’t be a tool. the whole point is that it’s a complete misunderstanding. there’s no acknowledgement that it’s from gamefaqs, or even a game… for all she knew, it could’ve been a scientology handbook.
monkeypox - 09.06.06 10:54 pm
Eric, this story is so old. You told everyone in the Penny Arcade forums about this already.
John D'arc - 09.06.06 11:14 pm
It’s good that someone has a mom who cares about them.
Johnny - 09.06.06 11:38 pm
ryro: someone else on the staff has been editing the comments. i really don’t mind what you or some of the other posters have to say about her.
John D’arc: i’d forgotten about that! as you can see though, lots of people here hadn’t heard it. also, my post on G&T wasn’t as pretentiously written.
i’m glad so many people enjoyed the story.
Eric Caoili - 09.07.06 7:22 am
Why can’t your mom speak better English than a 7 year old?
Green - 09.07.06 7:25 am
Why are so many people here so bloody intolerant and critical of non-native English speakers’ grammar?
kaei - 09.07.06 10:23 am
I’m a parent now and things change. Your mom had no context with which to place the pages and she cares about you. Good for her, and you! Hope you explained it though.
John - 09.07.06 10:24 am
Just tell her:
“I’m sorry but…it’s too late. I can’t turn back. Save me”
Guy - 09.07.06 12:08 pm
I honestly can’t believe how outright rude some people are towards this. It was a funny situation and he chose to share it with us. I personally don’t care what anyone says about my mom because I don’t have close ties with my family but if I were to post something pretaining to such a situation I would think that the viewers of 4cr have enough common sense to show some respect. Calling the situation stupid would be acceptable, but not centering out his mom. Either way Eric, keep up the good work.
Mark - 09.07.06 12:45 pm
Hilarious
60Hz - 09.07.06 2:40 pm
Wow so funny, my name is also Eric and my mother would probably say the exact same thing.
Eric - 09.07.06 3:31 pm
no, by all means, i would love a JT joke right now
Chris - 09.07.06 4:45 pm
The more things change the more they stay the same.
The game Dungeons and Dragons, not a video game, suffered/suffers from the same level ignorance.
Great note!
I would save it and show it to her in 20 years.
erexx - 09.08.06 1:34 am
all you folks who keep saying how stupid Eric’s mom is.. what are you.. stupid? REALLY STUPID!!!
Ok.. Eric’s mom doesnt play video games most likely. .and quite clearly had NO WAY of knowing this was a guide for a game. its not like D&D. There’s no game stigma, or anti-game comment. How ridiculously stupid do you have to be to think she has a problem with video games!!
The point.. HELLO THE POINT.. is that she DIDN”T KNOW IT was game related and thought he was really doing this kind of thing… NOT ABOUT THE GAME. ABOUT ERIC.
Not all like my mom who was convinced D&D was making me a killer. Nope. Not at all.. because Eric’s mom didn’t KNOW there was a game making him a killer, no, she thought he got there all on his own.
now that i’ve had to explain 28 bajillion times its not funny anymore.. *sigh*
vogle - 09.08.06 12:34 pm
ok some very disrespectfu comments here about erics mom
Eddie - 09.13.06 9:11 pm